Dealing with narcissistic behavior in the workplace can trigger intense feelings of fear and anxiety. Whether it’s being gaslighted, manipulated, or experiencing emotional withholding, narcissists have a way of destabilizing those around them. This often leads to feelings of powerlessness, confusion, and frustration—emotions that can become overwhelming if not understood and managed.
For many individuals, these emotions are not just a result of the present situation; they are often deeply tied to past experiences. Perhaps a narcissistic coworker’s fake smile reminds you of a parent who would wear a similar mask of politeness while harboring resentment or anger. These types of emotional triggers are not just about the current relationship; they bring up old wounds and unresolved emotions.
In this article, we’ll explore how Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) can help you navigate the fear and anxiety caused by narcissistic coworkers, allowing you to take empowered steps toward addressing these challenges without letting them control your emotional state or your behavior.
Understanding the Fear and Anxiety Triggered by Narcissism
Narcissistic behaviors in the workplace often provoke strong emotional responses, especially in individuals who have experienced similar treatment in past relationships. For instance, when your narcissistic coworker flashes a fake smile, it may trigger memories of a parent or significant figure who displayed a similar passive-aggressive demeanor. These behaviors can evoke feelings of fear, anxiety, and even anger—emotions that are hard to separate from the present situation but are rooted in past experiences.
ACT encourages individuals to first understand these emotional responses by identifying the triggers. When you feel anxiety or fear in the presence of a narcissistic coworker, the first step is to pause and ask: “What just happened? What triggered this feeling in me?” By recognizing these triggers, you gain clarity about what is causing the emotional response and where it’s coming from.
Recognizing the Emotional Response
Once you identify the trigger, the next step is to recognize your emotional response. In ACT, this process is called observing your thoughts and feelings without judgment. When that fake smile from your narcissistic coworker reminds you of your father’s mask of anger, you may feel anxious, fearful, or frustrated. However, it's crucial to understand that these emotional responses are not just reactions to the present situation—they are echoes of the past. The key is to separate your past emotional reactions from your current situation.
Ask yourself: “What am I feeling right now?” Are you feeling small, powerless, or angry? Once you label the emotion, it becomes easier to move through it without letting it control your actions.
Questioning the Behavior and Its Consequences
Now that you’ve identified the trigger and the emotional response, it’s time to ask an essential question: “What behavior usually follows this emotion? Is that behavior helpful or harmful to me in this situation?”
When anxiety arises, it’s natural to either shrink away from the narcissist, avoid conflict, or engage in people-pleasing behavior. But what happens when you allow these reactions to dictate your actions? In the short term, you may find temporary relief or a sense of safety, but in the long run, this avoidance or people-pleasing behavior may work against you, leading to more emotional strain or resentment.
ACT challenges you to reflect on whether your current response is serving your long-term goals in the workplace. Is avoiding conflict protecting you in the moment, or is it keeping you stuck in a toxic dynamic that undermines your needs and well-being?
Modifying Behavior to Align with Your Needs
ACT offers a strategy called committed action, where you take deliberate steps to act in a way that aligns with your values, even when difficult emotions arise. This is where the work of shifting behavior becomes key. Rather than letting your emotional response dictate your actions, you can choose behavior that helps you move toward what you truly value in your work life.
For example, you might recognize that while you feel anxious and triggered by your coworker’s fake smile, you can choose to respond in a way that helps you maintain your integrity and boundaries. Instead of shrinking away in fear, you might choose to calmly set a boundary, remain composed, or distance yourself emotionally from the manipulative behavior. This may not always be easy, but it is necessary to honor your own needs.
Here’s how this could look in real time:
1. Recognize the Trigger:
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Example: The fake smile reminds you of a controlling parent.
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Pause and acknowledge the trigger: “This behavior is reminding me of my father’s fake smiles.”
2. Label the Emotional Response:
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Example: You feel anxious, fearful, and powerless.
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Acknowledge: “I am feeling anxious and fearful right now.”
3. Reflect on the Behavior:
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Example: You want to shrink or avoid conflict.
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Ask: “Will avoiding this conflict help me? Or will it leave me feeling more stressed and powerless later?”
4. Choose Committed Action:
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Example: Instead of shrinking, you choose to calmly set a boundary, speak to your coworker about their behavior, or disengage emotionally.
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Say to yourself: “I feel anxious right now, but I am going to speak up. I am going to set a boundary.”
By practicing this process, you learn to navigate your emotional responses without letting them dictate your actions. You also begin to shift from a place of fear and avoidance to a place of empowerment, where your actions are aligned with your personal values and professional needs.
Meeting Your Own Needs in the Workplace
In the context of a narcissistic coworker, it’s easy to overlook your own needs as you focus on managing the other person’s behavior. ACT emphasizes the importance of self-compassion and recognizing your own emotional needs. It's important to remember that your needs in the workplace—whether it’s the need for respect, clear communication, or a healthy environment—are valid.
When you acknowledge your emotions and identify the behaviors that follow, it gives you the power to choose how to meet your needs without disregarding your well-being. In doing so, you are not only protecting yourself but also fostering a healthier and more authentic way of engaging with the narcissistic coworker.
Moving Forward with Empowerment
Facing narcissism in the workplace is challenging, especially when emotional triggers are involved. However, with the tools of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, you can begin to separate your emotional responses from the situation at hand, modify your behaviors to align with your values, and take proactive steps to ensure your needs are met without caving to fear or anxiety.
Remember: You can acknowledge your feelings, but you don’t have to let them control your actions. By practicing this kind of awareness and committed action, you can regain your sense of power in the workplace and create an environment where you feel respected, valued, and in control.
In the end, it’s about taking back your agency. You can say, “I feel triggered, but I am going to act in a way that honors my boundaries and needs.” This small but powerful shift in mindset can help you navigate even the most challenging workplace dynamics with confidence and clarity.
